My biggest fear in bringing my son to the type of church that I grew up in is that someone would tell him his Mommy is going to hell because of him. They wouldn’t say it quite that way, but I intentionally chose to have a child out of wedlock. Not only that, I dared to use IVF. Depending on your particular denomination that makes me a double sinner and I’m not asking God for forgiveness. I’m thanking all that is Holy that I succeeded in having my beautiful son.
The truth is that nothing I did in conceiving and carrying my son is against the doctrine of the church I grew up in. However, Christians who grew up in other denominations like to attend that church and honestly don’t know any better. They are prone to assume that because it’s a Christian church that it looks down on procreation outside of marriage and possibly on creating embryos/killing embryos as happens in IVF.
But, I also can’t deny him a spiritual upbringing. My church gave me leadership opportunities, social opportunities and rites of passage as I grew up and those were important. It also gave me a cultural literacy that my college roommate who didn’t grow up in church was lacking (imagine trying to get a handle on renaissance art if you have no familiarity with Bible stories). My church gave me an identity (though I was still a bit jealous of the firm and rich ethnic/cultural/religious identity my Jewish friends enjoyed). But, most importantly, my church gave me a concept of and relationship God.
I was taught very early, that no matter where I go, no matter where I am, no matter how alone I am, I can talk to God and God will listen and God will be with me. And no matter how much I have doubted other aspects of the religion I was taught growing up, I’ve never lost faith in that concept. God/the Universe/the Holy Spirit/the Divine is with me, it’s inside of me. No matter what else, that is with me and when I am alone and need strength I have that. When I am happy and need to share my joy, I have that. And while, in truth, it’s not something I think about every day, it’s gotten me through the best and the worst of my life.
Also, as a working single mother, I know there will be times when my son might feel lonely or that his life is hard. And as someone who lost a parent to natural causes far too early, I know that my child might become parentless far sooner than I wish. And no matter what contingency plans I make for my child’s practical needs, I want him to also have that spiritual grounding to help him in the event of the worst as well (and I pray that, like it does for me, it’ll help make the best of times better for him, also).
So, my decision to become a Mommy, in the way that I did, led me to not only leave my old church, but also to find a new one. One where I know he won’t be told his Mommy is going to hell because of him, but also, I hope, one where he will find leadership opportunities, social opportunities, rites of passage, a cultural literacy, an identity and, most importantly, a relationship with the spiritual that will give him strength.